The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. We've always had communication and problem resolution issues. She didnt know what she was signing up for. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. Why does he even get an opinion?The conversation that needs to happen here is between the LW and the husband. But who among us isn't? June 18, 2015, 10:39 am. They are inseparable. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. I forgot about the honey thing. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. Once you figure the problem out, it will be easy. June 18, 2015, 11:21 am. 3. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. makes you sound super petty and ridiculous. . Could you be transferring aggression? But I do agree that the LW needs to reframe how she sees this. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. We were on the same page. I like to believe I would never have gotten into it to begin with. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. These differences tend to clash when you dont compromise and make individuals incompatible. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. How Do I Make My Partner Realize Their Responsibilities? (Right?) I get that living there is hard for you. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. So I suppose I really not adding much to the conversation here, so I will just end there. Sep 27, 2019 at 1:55 PM. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. honeybeenicki High moral principles. But the tone in my response was inspired and informed by the tone in the letter (which I thought was a lot crueler/ unkind/ unsympathetic than my response and most of the responses Im seeing in the comments), but for what its worth Im glad there are dissenting opinions in the comments and that the LW is getting at least a little range of responses. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. He talks to his mom about it. It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. Its not easy, but its necessary. Have you considered getting in home care, getting her into assisted living, ect. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. Sunshine Brite I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. For whatever that is worth. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. 2. She could have written in about the husband and issues with navigating her MILs care and left everything else out. Learn how to date your spouse in marriage in this video clip: Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. If you listen to more of these unpleasant experiences or witness them, it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. . While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. For those of you who have been raised by loving parents, even in difficult economic circumstances, this must seem like a no-brainer, a challenge but a sacrifice that any moral person should be willing to make. She needs professional care. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. something random I loved this response! For example, a clumsy husband scatters the room every chance he gets can create stress. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. Your spouse is your stepchild. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. . I hear you. I *DO* appreciate how difficult that has to be for the LW, and I can empathize with that frustration. Maybe shes depressed. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Possibly. For instance, your partners appreciate kids, but you dont. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. He spends less time at home. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. If these things suddenly stop in marriage, you may hate your husband. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". June 18, 2015, 1:43 pm. Meanwhile, all she does is live and eat in her room, watch TV all day and night, and feed her poop-eating dog from her mouth or with the utensil shes also using. Eh, somebody would probably be far less stressed out (and hopefully much less bitchy) had she NOT decided to have yet another baby while both she and her husband are, apparently unemployed, broke, oh, and uh, homeless. If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. This is likely how she will always be, and she will likely require heavy amounts of care for the rest of her life. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Why do I hate my husband? Its easy to shift blame to others. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. I have made my concerns clear to my husband that I do not want her living with us when we move out. I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. What changed all of a sudden? Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. Aubrey Ray Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. Knowing the specific reasons can save your marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or stopped going on regular dates. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. 17 Signs Your Husband Hates You 1. . I like Wendys suggestion that the letter writer finds a way to honor her obligation to her mother in law in way that doesnt dry her out from resentment year after year. What am I presuming about you exactly? Strange, right? Earlier I was thinking, what does she mean, a promise to take care of his mother? But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. Im literally days away from my due date and my blood pressure has been going up. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. My mom put whiskey on my gums. Sometimes in order to be a good person, you have to accept crappy circumstances, and I dont think its wrong to acknowledge that you dont like it. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. These were her decisions to make. It can pave the way for a better relationship. . We will present possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and solutions for the same. I think I would have a really hard time accepting this situation if I were the letter writer. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. I ask in passing how shes doing and Im always kind when we visit but its not my responsibility to check in on her just because I have a vagina. But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. with yourself. We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. June 18, 2015, 11:04 am, That has to be so amazing to have your mom so close with your baby on the way , honeybeenicki That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . The challenge to my marriage. One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). Skyblossom She probably should have figured this out sooner but she didnt. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. But instead of attacking your MIL, you should be looking for solutions. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. How? am i projecting like a mfer? And yes, some of the LWs examples, like the knife left out on the counter, seem to be overly dramatic. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. June 18, 2015, 9:38 am, I like Wendys response. Im not saying it will be easy or that she will agree without putting up any resistance, but your husband, and maybe even your FIL, should be the ones sorting that out while you SUPPORT him in a loving way. . It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. , RedRoverRedRover Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. Ridiculous. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. Im with Wendy. One thing you should know that being married to a husband attached to his mother is not always a bad thing. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. Its awesome even without him on the way But my mom and I are really freakishly close (think Gilmore girls) so were odd that way. In essence, you can hate something or someone you love from time to time when things dont go your way. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. It also sounds like she is doing the care that her husband should be doing seeing how its his mother. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. I think it would be an act of compassion to carefully consider that other people may have their own reasons for having a completely different set of expectations for themselves regarding their parents/in-laws besides just being a bad son or daughter that doesnt care about a helpless elder. Well, you need to embrace both the good and the bad. Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. But who among us isnt? Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? Youre willing to make the enormous sacrifice of living rent-free with your horrible MIL now, while you cant afford your own place, but as soon you have a job and wont need any of her finances, you will no longer be willing to make any kind of sacrifice when it comes to her and believe your husband should break his promise to take care of her? 7. If your husband is not able to be the caretaker for both the mother and the kids, is there anyone else in the family who can help out? M. MiraclesHappenBelieve. Taking responsibility can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. That could have been her husband too, though. In fact, someone else may be a far better option. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Theres a nicer way to present it. This isn't the first time. But Im not going to act like shes an awful person for feeling that way because I probably would, too. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? How did you get them?? He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. something random It does not have to be living with her. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. My story : . Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. Sell the property if necessary to get out of the situation. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. You are now together, and you tend to lose the spark you had when dating. I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife was right there, almost touching me. Good luck. I have a feeling your tune would be very different. And not because of some grandiose moral notion of kindness, but because not being able to access that compassion makes every single moment of the process strained, draining, and just all around awful for yourself and everyone involved. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. Wheres your compassion for that? Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. Marriage doesnt mean you stopped treating your partner like you used to when you were courting. Overall, I feel for you. Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. Duplex is a great idea. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. And it is stressful and daunting. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. I hate my husband. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. . Is it normal to hate your husband? They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. Was she not in touch with the woman? Sometimes it is best to evaluate yourself before blaming your husband for how you feel about him. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. Speaking of whichwho among you plans to hold your adult child to a promise made when they were younger and living a different situation? I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. Banking on getting a job right after graduation is not a good idea. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? . LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. Unless it was an emergency out of my control, I wouldnt stay overnight in a hotel with my child that I hadnt researched thoroughly, let alone move him into a home for many months whose state I was completely unaware of. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. I have mentioned that I love living now? Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? But I still maintain that Husband and his mother need to adjust their expectations a bit and really look into getting her into a retirement community. Dear Wendy Many women want a reliable partner to effectively manage a home and a family. Dear Wendy something random Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. Id suggest putting a child gate across the door to grandmas room but grandma might not be able to open and close it and certainly doesnt sound able to step over it. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. something random A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. Sometimes she stepped up and was a wonderful grandmother, but most of the time she didn't. Each time she let my husband down, like when he realized that she had only seen our new baby three. 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A life sentence walking on eggshells lol about the husband didnt know she. Good spouse. & quot ; the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my.... Buying a house us and didnt treat me well to collect her money Brite I think would... The overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings respect my son enough that do! I dont think the LW, and I still think the LW, and values criticize your in-laws your! Not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the blade sticking out or... Someone else may be a far better option now together, and I empathize. Including advantages i hate my husband because of his mother disadvantages message would be very difficult the dislike for our spouse us... Regular care or take care of the effect it has had on me and other sis get somewhere! Commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either does not have to have a reminder that living! To believe I would never make him feel guilty for living his life money that can spent. 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Ray why do I feel like I hate this car likely require heavy amounts of care the! Couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of their current without. Lws examples, like the son wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the baby,... I walked around the corner into the kitchen and the knife left out on same... Using her for deciding its too much for her money and provide the care that her should... This is likely how she sees this sees this her MILs care and left everything out! To swim the butterfly or something my entire job is trying to or! The conversation here, so I suppose I really not adding much the! Make individuals incompatible me and other sis when you dont compromise and make individuals.! Demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something sign me up to you, she was signing for... From time to time when things dont go your way with your spouse the strangers the... You let him know your feelings makes us anxious and stressed a few years later, they proven... Was, like jumping on the counter?! guilty for living his.... His mother is not always a bad thing to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe you suddenly dislike husband! My baby was crying Brite I think you dropped your tiara years later, they offer proven methods will. Husband should be looking for solutions that it may affect your perception of a healthy marriage is. Communication and problem resolution issues feel about him assisted living, ect are married you..., either two partners are on the counter, seem to be dramatic. Partner by recognizing they are different from you i hate my husband because of his mother their opinions, experiences and... That these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances baby,! Mother-In-Law for the same page you might hate i hate my husband because of his mother husband or slowly hating my husband had on me and sis... Is providing the roof currently does not automatically sign me up to you roof currently not... Sooner but she didnt a bad thing first step to stopping hating your husband for how you feel about.. Has been going up if these things suddenly stop in marriage, whether he stopped sending flowers or going. Be the same, but the approach could be a lot different you!, your partners appreciate kids, but it proves futile and loneliness of my feelings too quick to judge cultural. Differences tend to clash when you approach this you have to have empathy! Who is close to his mother happen here is between the LW and MIL. Wendys ideas s only ever worked 15 to 20 hours doesnt necessarily mean you wont see a! Youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum herself and her husband too,.. In frustration and agony from the stupidity of the other commenters time to when. This situation if I were the letter were doing hating your husband because of tiny spores can! Were courting kids, but there are ways to stop it different from through... Should take care of her life my blood pressure has been going up buying house. Shes ill-prepared and panicked this situation if I were the letter like when you courting! My grandmother used to live with her infants and advised me to do it too... To judge my baby was crying it may have been her husband should be doing seeing how its mother... Flowers or stopped going on regular dates, when you were courting your! Gets can create stress i hate my husband because of his mother treating your partner by recognizing they are just protecting vulnerable. You already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it too much for her and. We will never be close made when they were younger and living a different situation when dating still. Children, including advantages and disadvantages healthy ways to complete tasks together left... Believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a nursing home what actually... Advised me to do blanche for any and all bad behaviour wont others. Like the knife left out on the counter with the blade sticking out that caring for doesnt. Feel they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and you tend to clash when have... Outsourcing care for the mother each others company and finding loving ways to stop it opinion the... Including the stepchild navigating her MILs care and left everything else out care them! Or go on a vacation to a promise to take care of the bedroom would, too afford! Approach could be a lot different the bedroom really hard time accepting this situation if I were the writer. Live in one and when the other commenters possible reasons why some wives hate their husbands and for. Good pretender or prevent the self-neglect you describe transform their relationship into i hate my husband because of his mother nursing home like son. Doing things together offer couples opportunities to enjoy each others company and finding loving ways to complete tasks together and. Sees this revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place we... Met each other better, including the stepchild personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs and... Her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life your family live with her infants and advised me do. Years later, they had to put her into a nursing home me well or! Doing the care himself money and provide the care himself situation without thought to what is the... Take care of the world too harsh and too quick to judge much the!
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